Graced perspective
The late Bp Francisco Claver SJ of Bontoc-Lagawe in the Philippines once prayed, “In the very trying, we create our own light: light for our feet, so we know where we are going; light for our hands, so we can do what must be done; above all, light for the spirit, so we can see with some of the clarity of God’s vision what our darknesses are all about, so we can turn our despairs into hopes, our weaknesses into strengths. And the light we help create – not forgetting it comes from the Father of Light himself – will in turn help light up our world.” It is in the light of this prayer that I look back at my first year of Regency in Vietnam.
Thanksgiving
Back in the Philippines, I expressed to my Provincial a growing attraction to foreign missions, but I never expected to be sent for Regency in a discernment and formation context. So, coming to the Jesuit prenovitiate in Vietnam to teach English to prenovices and candidates was a much-welcome assignment. And it had been so until I was asked not only to deliver lessons on English as a foreign language but also to assist in the discernment and formation journey of the prenovices, especially through psychospiritual, human formation sessions.
A year hence, and I can tell myself now that even as I enjoyed accompanying prenovices and candidates in developing their communication skills in English, I experienced a much deeper joy in accompanying them as they sifted through their motivations and desires in deciding to follow Jesus in religious life. Moreover, it was not simply I who accompanied them; they also accompanied me. The Lord himself accompanied me in them. For this gift of accompaniment, my heart proclaims profound gratefulness and joy.
Looking in
As I look closer at what transpired over the past year, I notice three graces in which God has revealed Godself to me in real and intimate ways. These are the graces of providence, encouragement, and joy.
Firstly, God has revealed Godself to me as Providence. As a novice, I went through two intensive Psychospiritual Integration workshops, one in preparation for the long retreat and the other in aid of a freer discernment for a life of the vows. These workshops led me to acknowledge my neediness as a human being. Thus, I was not intensely surprised to face my needs whenever they intercepted my prayers during the long retreat. Moreover, when I pronounced my first vows, I knew I was uttering them before the Eucharistic Lord, who desired only my wholeness, not in removing my needs but in loving me through them. Therefore, I moved on to First Studies (Juniorate and Philosophy), carrying within me God’s faithfulness in my neediness.
As I welcomed Regency in a foreign country, I was gently surprised that new needs would begin to emerge and that I would reach a point where I just felt so needy as an individual. I experienced a different kind of poverty, one that went beyond the material and touched on the existential. But God, faithful to His promise to be with me always, did not delay in reminding me of His unceasing and abundant Providence. His Providence rescued me from being trapped in the whirlpool of intensifying and disorienting needs. This He did through friends, counselors, spiritual directors, and companions He sent to journey with me. He materialised this as well through structures, processes, and resources He made always available to me. Indeed, God has strengthened me to move from neediness to trustfulness in His unfailing Providence.
Secondly, God has revealed Godself to me as encouragement. In the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle speaks of the courageous person as one who faces and fears the right things, to the right extent, at the right time, in the right way, and with the right motive, and who feels confidence under the corresponding conditions (cf. Book III, 1115b18). Courage, then, is not fearing nothing. It is fearing appropriately and feeling confidence appropriately.
As my first year of Regency unfolded through the passing of hours, days, and months, I began to gain a more comprehensive understanding of the circumstances into which I had been sent, and I found myself feeling overwhelmed. The courage with which I entered into this new formation stage in my Jesuit life and vocation seemed gradually to fade. The light of day gave way early to the dark of night. Unmet needs, frustrated expectations, and challenged values contributed to the darkness of disillusionment. But God, faithful to His promise to be with me always, kept vigil with me through the dark of night, illuminating it with the light of His radiant love. Through prayer and the sacraments, as well as the support of those I was entrusted to serve, God strengthened me to recover my bearings again and take courage to march forward in my mission. Indeed, God pulled me out of the pit of my discouragement into the boat of His encouragement, where, as once for Peter and the disciples, so then for me, He asked that I lower my nets for an abundant catch. I realised that, all this time, God had been encouraging me to let go.
Thirdly, God has revealed Godself to me as joy. The late Pope Francis began his first apostolic exhortation, Evangelii Gaudium, with the words, “The joy of the Gospel fills the hearts and lives of all who encounter Jesus.” I must confess I was filled with great joy upon knowing that I was being sent to Vietnam for my Regency. I did not know fully what was ahead of me, but I trusted that the Father, in the person of my Provincial, was forming me to be life-giving and loving like His Son Jesus.
This joy-filled trust I initially had in the Lord would be purified through experiences of emptiness and loneliness. There had been days when I just felt exhausted and empty after delivering lessons that did not seem to have docked onto the port of the students’ comprehension. There had been times when loneliness appeared to have gotten the better of me even as I was surrounded by people who attempted to show care in ways they knew how. But God, faithful to His promise to be with me always, filled my emptiness with His fullness and quenched my loneliness with His gladness. All I had to do was to be still, and in that stillness, God made me remember His graciousness and renewed my joy. God reintroduced Godself to me as joy, my only joy, whom I must share with everyone I meet, especially with my brother-Jesuits in the apostolic community and with the prenovices and candidates in my ministry. Indeed, what the Benedictine Br. David Steindl-Rast claimed, and which my novice master Fr. Christopher Dumadag, S.J. often reminded us about what is true: “It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”
Healing
My experiences of neediness, discouragement, and loneliness over the past year have wounded the quality of my love and service. While in these experiences, I have grown more cognizant of the Father’s Providence, the Spirit’s encouragement, and the Son’s joy, I do not think the Triune God is completely through in healing my woundedness; instead, the Triune God continues to labor in, for, and with me, respecting my readiness and summoning me to embrace my woundedness. Even as I long for that moment when I am completely healed and made whole by God, I am called now to let the aches propel a kind of loving and serving that is humbler and more freeing.
Missioning
Let me end by sharing an excerpt from an email exchange I recently had with my Provincial: “Continue to allow Regency to immerse you deeply in our Jesuit life-mission and teach you a great sense of availability, of trust in the Lord, and of heartfelt joy in carrying out the work that He asks you to do.” This is the spirit in which I welcome my second year of Regency.
